Some of the time these thoughts start out very depressingly in a deep dark and dank valley and work their way up the mountain to a glorious peak with a panoramic view that makes me feel good about my day and want to share the journey... like when you go somewhere that is so wonderful you just have to facebook and twitter and text and all all your friends and you can't stop thinking about it for days and days... (sometimes they are just grocery lists of randomness... ok most of the time they are very random... I prefer the ones with the view ;) LOL)
so this morning I don't even know what started this train ride... some how I had the thought that I had failed at something... the next few stops on the trip were to think that I *am* a failure (because when you do something once or twice it intrinsically becomes part of your character right?) and highlight all of the ways that I am indeed a failure... and not just a minor failure... a giant sized monster of a failure who will never be able to amount to anything whatsoever... (in my head this is said in a James Earl Jones kind of voice WHATS SO EVER drawn out booming and echoing!) and this trip highlighted all my failures in every area.... the fight with Caitlynn this morning (bad mother).... the fight between Cait and Jeff this morning (again failure as a mother)... the joblessness (bad provider bad person bad nurse)... the lack of follow through when God directed me (bad human bad person bad child of God bad faithless badbadbad).... not having a loving positive father figure in my kids life (again bad mom)... the train just kept on going... farther into the depths of that valley...
then God spoke to my heart and reminded me "failing once does not make you a failure" ... He reminded me
For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again. [Proverbs 24:16]
I take this to mean that I *will* fail... at times in my life there are things that I will not succeed... the failure is in how I let those things affect my future choices....
Then God was so awesome to remind me of my successes.... my fighting with the kids is now a rare thing (improving mom)... fighting between the kids is improving in both intensity and frequency... they don't fight as often or as badly (improving kids.... also I was reminded that my kids fighting with themselves isn't an indication of my worth as a mother).... I am jobless for a season because God has a plan for me to work on and I am jobless because of corporate crap not because of problems with my integrity or ethics or ability to work (good nurse, compassionate nurse, great employee)... the lack of follow through is something I am turning around... I didn't follow through for a while I am doing it now... and I am improving.... the lack of a positive father figure in my kids life.... THEY HAVE JESUS!!!!! how much more of a positive role model can I give them? their father made his own choices and those choices do not indicate my worth as a mother or human being?!?!?!?!
every negative thought He helped me see the positive... I have been trying... over the past few years... anyone who knew me years ago knows that I have not always been the most positive person... I have always jumped to conclusions about other people... I have gotten to the point where 90% of the time I think the best... I am able to look behind the actions to the motivation behind the actions and I mainly see positive motivation... in others...
I am working in seeing the positive in myself....
I am trying to remember that failing once does not make me a failure... it makes me have to lean on Jesus... is that such a bad thing?? the failure is failing to get up when you fail...
today is the day.... I am using it to think positively about myself :D
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